Dear Rappy McCrazy,

Due to the fact that I was listening to my iPod, at first glance I thought you were crazy and just talking to yourself and unfortunately didn’t catch most of what I’m sure are excellent lyrics. On second glance I realized that you were rapping, and not along to music because you were not wearing headphones, so I realized that part of my first glance assumptions were correct, you are crazy. Especially since you rapped for approximately 20 minutes (that would be 4 Mariah Carey songs, that E=MC2 album is pretty good). I am about 98.92% sure that no one from BMG, Sony, DefJam, G-Unit or BadBoy were on that train, or probably any of the other ones you ride, so I’m about 95% sure you won’t be getting signed to a label due to this, I’m about 99.998% sure you won’t get one if for some reason they were on the train, because you suck, for the 33 seconds I paused Mariah you were unintelligible, so I guess those lyrics weren’t so excellent after all. GET YO’SELF TOGETHER and stop all that damn rapping in public unless you’re on a stage.

Thank you and don’t quit your day job,
Dianne

Dear Mr Urban Saggypants,
For the love of all that’s good don’t sag your pants, actually make that don’t sag your pants while wearing a big-ass blingy belt buckle, wait, wait, make that don’t sag your pants while wearing a big-ass blingy belt buckle and then tuck the front of your long-ass “yep in my white tee” t-shirt under the belt buckle, but over the pants, so as to show off its utter tackiness.

Apologies in advance if you pooped your pants and were not sagging on purpose,
Dianne

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