April 22nd, 2008 by Dianne Vonwhooseeay

Dear Rappy McCrazy,

Due to the fact that I was listening to my iPod, at first glance I thought you were crazy and just talking to yourself and unfortunately didn’t catch most of what I’m sure are excellent lyrics. On second glance I realized that you were rapping, and not along to music because you were not wearing headphones, so I realized that part of my first glance assumptions were correct, you are crazy. Especially since you rapped for approximately 20 minutes (that would be 4 Mariah Carey songs, that E=MC2 album is pretty good). I am about 98.92% sure that no one from BMG, Sony, DefJam, G-Unit or BadBoy were on that train, or probably any of the other ones you ride, so I’m about 95% sure you won’t be getting signed to a label due to this, I’m about 99.998% sure you won’t get one if for some reason they were on the train, because you suck, for the 33 seconds I paused Mariah you were unintelligible, so I guess those lyrics weren’t so excellent after all. GET YO’SELF TOGETHER and stop all that damn rapping in public unless you’re on a stage.

Thank you and don’t quit your day job,

Dear Mr Urban Saggypants,
For the love of all that’s good don’t sag your pants, actually make that don’t sag your pants while wearing a big-ass blingy belt buckle, wait, wait, make that don’t sag your pants while wearing a big-ass blingy belt buckle and then tuck the front of your long-ass “yep in my white tee” t-shirt under the belt buckle, but over the pants, so as to show off its utter tackiness.

Apologies in advance if you pooped your pants and were not sagging on purpose,

April 18th, 2008 by Dianne Vonwhooseeay

Dear Parents of “Angry Lil’ Man”,
Where are you? Who have you been letting him hang around? You bet not be behind that damn camera, you know better. I mean I don’t like GWB at all, but I wouldn’t dare to threaten his life (at least not in public, or on tape). Who wrote this up and had a little kid read it, as if that would make it okay, with Dubya already rewriting the constitution to do illegal phonetaps and who knows what else, it makes it all too easy for you and your family to get “lost” in some sort of detainment camp. You should really think about reading some books, getting the boy involved in some sort of theater classes to channel his inner thespian, writing letters to your representatives, senators, etc, expressing your distaste for the current administration, and definitely getting out and voting so your voice can be heard. Hopefully you and the little man haven’t been “disposed of” so you can GET YO’SELF TOGETHER!

I wouldn’t suggest watching this at work or with children in the room:

Where oh where are the parents,

Friends also don’t let ignant rappers read satire.

April 9th, 2008 by Dianne Vonwhooseeay

Dear Snoop Dogg,

Snoop Dogg | GET YO'SELF TOGETHERYes, I said IGNANT. When I read the following quote from your interview with the Guardian I was thoroughly confused, and dumbfounded, as I’m sure almost everyone else who read it were too.

“The KKK gave Obama money. They was (sic) one of his biggest supporters … Why wouldn’t they be? The media won’t tell you that. They don’t want you to know that. They just want you to know that this [bleep] befriended this other [bleep] who be (sic) threatening your values.”

“But we all know all presidents lie to get into [bleep] office. That’s they (sic) job.”

“In America’s eyes, that mutha[bleep]’s gonna be president ‘cos (John) McCain can’t [bleep] with him. Hillary (Clinton) can’t [bleep] with him. He’s winning over white people, white ladies.”

I mean, I was like what did he…??? Who told…??? He said…??? Whaaa…???

And then I remembered reading this article last month on, a satirical newspaper from the UK, similar to the Onion. And I said to myself, “Self, is this where Snoop got his info from?” and self replied, “Didn’t I tell you to stop talking to me.” So that conversation didn’t go very far. But if this article is where you received your information then please try these following steps:

  1. Please, please, PLEASE, in the future do a little research before answering questions in an interview on topics that you know nothing about.
  2. May I also suggest you just stick to talking about your self, your pimp advisors, and your “music”. Just give a polite “no comment” to any other questions.
  3. GYT

If this is not where you received your information the aforementioned steps still apply.
So Snoop D-O-Double G, the time has come for you to GET YO’SELF TOGETHER!
OBAMA ’08!

For the love of all that’s good,
Dianne Vonwhoseeay


I think it should be called the Rhythmless Nation Dance

April 2nd, 2008 by Dianne Vonwhooseeay

Dear Larry King,

No. No No Noooooooooooooo. Just plain no. Stick to reporting before you break something.